How It All Began!
JWF has finished his first year of college. Thankfully he had a philosophy professor that adored him and saw the content of his heart; really appreciated my son. Finally! The professor was from Jamaica and led the January term to Jamaica to study Rastafarianism. That’s a another story for another day.
It’s been seven months since JMF has left. Six months since I found out about the affair. My youngest, JWF, is home from college. My oldest, JJ, is living at home.
I am exhausted, literally and totally exhausted. I need a break and then it happens. JWF’s philosophy professor from college offers to give me his condo in Ocho Rios for a week. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and the excitement of just leaving the country and thinking about something else. Right? I can hope can’t I?
August 14, 1997
So off JWF and I go to Jamaica. We are both excited and he is is ready to share all the sights and sounds of Jamaica with me. One of the sights was a resort that JWF missed the last two days of his stay this past January. I believe that he had run out of money.
We entered the resort! It’s a couples resort. It’s all inclusive. What an adventure for sure. Drinks are the first order of business. Remember that it is an all inclusive resort. Then we head to the beach where JWF stands at the front of the beach with his arms out and literally announces to the entire beach crowd, “I am not her gigolo. She is my Mom.” The crowd applauds. Let the fun begin.
I can’t quite recall when I noticed a small skiff motoring back and forth from our beach to a small island. I inquired as to where it was going and voilá, “ a nude beach?” Excitement ensues. Now I had made a list of some things I wanted to do after JMF left. There were the usual suspects of a tattoo, a wild affair and I really had put a nude beach on the list. And here it was. A nude beach? JWF looks at me, sees the look on my face and exclaims, “You are on your own Mom.” Yes indeed, I was on my own. So off I set with my bathing suit on, my hat, sunglasses, beach towel and a book. I boarded the skiff. Thankfully it was just me. I asked the man motoring me over to explain how it works. “I’ve never done this before.” He proceeds to tell me that once I step onto the island I must take everything off, literally everything. I ask, “even my hat and my sunglasses?” With a twinkle in his eye he says, “Yes!” Then he smiles!
So I get off the skiff and with great trepidation, take my bathing suit off leaving my hat and sun glasses on and walk to the pool that has a bar. It is crowded with couples. Remember that I am at a Couples Resort. I quickly find a lounge chair and settle in with my book. Thank goodness for a broad beam hat, sunglasses and a large book.
So here I am checking off something really big for me! I begin to realize that JMF is the only man that I have been with my entire life. What’s out there? I begin to use my wiles and investigate. Somehow my book fell. I had to pick it up. Somehow my hat blew off. I had to retrieve it. Oh the things that I learned on that day.
I’ve always heard the term, “hung like a horse.” I had only my imagination to know what that meant. Now I know. Now I had the image. Yes indeed, that young man was hung like a horse.
Letting Go Is The Theme From My Journal
“Letting go is the theme for this trip. Something to begin and continue when I return. I hope I can hold this Powerful thought. Letting go of JMF yet staying connected that will lead to a successful divorce. Recognize my fears. Let it unfold. I’m sitting on the balcony of our condo in Ocho Rios looking out on the bay. Our condo sits on the mountain and commands a wonderful view of the bay and the Caribbean. It is breezy this evening. Our balcony faces the east so there is no direct sun. There are the normal noises of a town; sirens, cars and yet unique noises; a rooster crowing and a dog barking. ”
Last Journal Entry
“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself.” Lao-Tzu
Yes I can!
What are your thoughts?
Have you ever found yourself in a place that you had to hit the pause button? Was it hard? How did you manage it? Did you allow your mud to settle?
Have you checked some items off your list? How did it feel? What was it? I am looking forward to all of your comments.