Living With A Cutoff!

I spent the past four months chronicling the break up with my oldest son with the intention of posting it on my blog. I titled it “The Unseen Cord That Never Breaks.” It turned out to be five pages.  I read it over and over and thought about posting it and finally decided not to post it. It is ready for my granddaughter.  It’s important to put my story down for her. My intention is to tell my side of the story. But here’s the important part, the part I am choosing to post. It is important to identify how I feel each day.  I don’t want to get stuck in the story and live miserably. I want everyday to be a conscious act of remembering my oldest son with love.  

It’s important to note here that it has been six years since I have seen my oldest or heard his voice.  It was his decision for the cut off at his wife’s insistence.  They are now divorced. I will call her M. I know what he said the reason was but it just doesn’t ring true. Mother’s know these things. At this point though it’s not important.  What is important is to continue to love him from a distance. That cord never breaks. That’s called unconditional love.  

The first time I met her!

I was able to care and love her once a week for the first year.

My last time to see her!

So how do I feel? When I think of my oldest I feel empty, disconnected; sad and sometimes angry. Sad that I am missing out on what is going on in his life; missing out on my only granddaughter’s first years of life.  She turned seven years old this past December.  What does her voice sound like?  What is her favorite color?  Does she play with dolls? Does she like dresses? So many questions that will have to wait for another day; another year?  

I’m angry that my oldest didn’t take up for me! Really? I don’t do angry well. There are times that I just want to throttle him and give him a piece of my mind. That would really help things wouldn’t it?

You may be thinking to yourself, what have you been doing for the past six years? The first year I sent books to my granddaughter via JMF. The inscriptions were so important to me.

Then I received a note in the mail from JMF.  WOW!  This will be another blog about my great disappointment in JMF.  He is a coward.  

So my granddaughter never received Zen Shorts.  It’s waiting for her.

So no more books for my granddaughter. If my oldest wants me to know his address he will give it to me.  I am just trying to honor him and his wish. Sounds crazy but there you are.  

Last summer, 2018, I texted my oldest to ask if he would be willing to meet me.  I asked for professional help with the text to make every attempt for success.

No response!  I went to his house, yes I did ask for the address, and I sat on the steps to his house.  The house felt sad.

So where’s the sweet spot in this mess? The sweet spot is small but terribly important to my well being.  It is to believe that unseen cord never breaks. I choose to intentionally send him love and well wishes each day AND believe that one day we will be reunited.  

So have you ever encountered a cutoff in your family? How did you handle it? How did you reconnect? What’s it like now? I’m looking for stories. It’s a lonely feeling.