Month: September 2018

September 2, 1972

Today would have marked my 46th wedding anniversary.  I can truthfully say that I do not miss JMF one bit.  I’ve been reading in my journals from that time; getting back in touch with what happened, how it all happened.  I believe that what I experienced was trauma.

 I’ve never used that word or even thought about that word.  I feel it’s a bit presumptuous to even think that I experienced trauma.  Right?  However I am choosing to think differently about this word now.  The betrayal, the affair and the many lies were deeply disturbing to me.  Agony, suffering, pain, anguish, misery.  Yep! My world was turned upside down and I literally didn’t feel safe.  Sleep wasn’t my friend and I would vacillate between intense sadness and rage. I would throw plates off of my deck.  I’ll write about that later.

Today!

Now I have the great honor of training as a Conscious Discipline Certified Instructor and often mention my divorce and his betrayal in my trainings with the intention of helping.  After a recent training, a woman came to me and slipped a note in my hand.  My first thought was that I had offended her in some way.  I asked if I could read the note with her.  Thankfully she agreed.

My heart stopped beating and I held my breath as I began to read her note.

“I know you didn’t come here for this.  Yesterday I was in your class and you mentioned that you had been married and your husband (now your ex) cheated on you.  My question: How did you heal beyond it?  How long did it take you?”

Well those questions have lingered in my heart and brain since that day.  How did I heal beyond it and how long did it take?  Well here’s the news!  I am not healed.  I choose to work on it each day.  It’s a journey.  Some days are easier than others. Some days I don’t think about JMF.  Other days I think a lot about JMF.  It’s been 21 years and somedays it feels as though it was yesterday and other days it seems as though I was never married and it wasn’t at all real.  Today is one of those days that I feel the reality.

Perception is a funny thing.  I can fall into moments of “he is a dirty bastard and he must pay” or “poor JMF.  Blah, blah, blah!”  But that focus is not helpful.  The focus should be on me, not him, which changes the direction of the energy.   I have a choice.  I can choose to be a victim and then act as a victim or I can choose to be set free and write my own story.

So I continue writing my story each and every day.  If I think about JMF I can wish him well with about 60% authenticity.  Folks this is progress from finding a journal entry recently that expressed my desire to shoot him!  This is progress.  I can only aim for 61% and then 62%.

So back to the questions.  How did I heal and how long did it take? 

I continue to heal through journaling, surrounding myself with friends that encourage me and lift me up.  I sought professional help and made sure that it was a good match.  I read and read and read more books that lift me up. Harriet Lerner and Brené Brown.

And then there is music!  I love music.  Here’s a song that saved me in 1997 and 1998.  This song actually happened to me!  Thank you Gloria Gaynor.

Make sure you scroll to the bottom for today’s song.  The focus has changed.  Thanks Demi Lavato!  I’m not sorry!

I Will Survie

At first, I was afraid, I was petrified

Kept thinking, I could never live without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights thinking, how you did me wrong

And I grew strong and I learned how to get along

And so you’re back from outer space

I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face

I should have changed that stupid lock

I should have made you leave your key

If I’d known for just one second you’d be back to bother me

Go on now, go, walk out the door, just turn around now

‘Cause you’re not welcome anymore

Weren’t you the one, who tried to hurt me with goodbye?

Did you think I’d crumble? Did you think I’d lay down and die?

So where am I today?  I’m not sorry!

Demi LoLovato  Sorry Not Sorry

Now I’m out here looking like revenge

Feelin’ like a ten, the best I ever been

And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt

To see me like this, but it gets worse (wait a minute)

Now you’re out here looking like regret

Ain’t too proud to beg, second chance you’ll never get

And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt to see me like this

But it gets worse (wait a minute)

Now payback is a bad bitch

And baby, I’m the baddest

You fuckin’ with a savage

Can’t have this, can’t have this (ah)

And it’d be nice of me to take it easy on ya, but nah

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Being so bad got me feelin’ so good

Showing you up like I knew that I would

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Feeling inspired ’cause the tables have turned

Yeah, I’m on fire and I know that it burns

Baby, fineness is the way to kill

Tell me how it feel, bet it’s such a bitter pill

And yeah, I know you thought you had bigger, better things

Bet right now this stings (wait a minute)

‘Cause the grass is greener under me

Bright as technicolor, I can tell that you can see

And yeah, I know how bad it must hurt to see me like this

But it gets worse (wait a minute)

Now payback is a bad bitch

And baby, I’m the baddest

You fuckin’ with a savage

Can’t have this, can’t have this (ah)

And it’d be nice of me to take it easy on ya, but nah

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Being so bad got me feelin’ so good

Showing you up like I knew that I would

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Feeling inspired ’cause the tables have turned

Yeah, I’m on fire and I know that it burns

Talk that talk, baby

Better walk, better walk that walk, baby

If you talk, if you talk that talk, baby

Better walk, better walk that walk, baby

Oh yeah

Talk that talk, baby

Better walk, better walk that walk, baby

If you talk, if you talk that talk, baby

Better walk, better walk that walk, baby

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Being so bad got me feelin’ so good

Showing you up like I knew that I would

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Baby, I’m sorry (I’m not sorry)

Feeling inspired ’cause the tables have turned

Yeah, I’m on fire and I know that it burns

Payback is a bad bitch

And baby, I’m the baddest

I’m the baddest, I’m the baddest

How It All Began!

JWF has finished his first year of college.  Thankfully he had a philosophy professor that adored him and saw the content of his heart; really appreciated my son.  Finally!  The professor was from Jamaica and led the January term to Jamaica to study Rastafarianism. That’s a another story for another day.  

August 1997

It’s been seven months since JMF has left.  Six months since I found out about the affair.  My youngest, JWF, is home from college.  My oldest, JJ, is living at home.  

I am exhausted, literally and totally exhausted.  I need a break and then it happens.  JWF’s philosophy professor from college offers to give me his condo in Ocho Rios for a week. I am overwhelmed with gratitude and the excitement of just leaving the country and thinking about something else.  Right?  I can hope can’t I?  

August 14, 1997

So off JWF and I go to Jamaica.  We are both excited and he is is ready to share all the sights and sounds of Jamaica with me.  One of the sights was a resort that JWF missed the last two days of his stay this past January.  I believe that he had run out of money.  

We entered the resort!  It’s a couples resort.  It’s all inclusive.  What an adventure for sure.  Drinks are the first order of business.  Remember that it is an all inclusive resort.  Then we head to the beach where JWF stands at the front of the beach with his arms out and literally announces to the entire beach crowd, “I am not her gigolo.  She is my Mom.”  The crowd applauds.  Let the fun begin.  

I can’t quite recall when I noticed a small skiff motoring back and forth from our beach to a small island.  I inquired as to where it was going and voilá, “ a nude beach?”  Excitement ensues.  Now I had made a list of some things I wanted to do after JMF left.  There were the usual suspects of a tattoo, a wild affair and I really had put a nude beach on the list.  And here it was.  A nude beach?  JWF looks at me, sees the look on my face and exclaims, “You are on your own Mom.”  Yes indeed, I was on my own.  So off I set with my bathing suit on, my hat, sunglasses, beach towel and a book.  I boarded the skiff.  Thankfully it was just me.  I asked the man motoring me over to explain how it works.  “I’ve never done this before.”  He proceeds to tell me that once I step onto the island I must take everything off, literally everything.  I ask, “even my hat and my sunglasses?”  With a twinkle in his eye he says, “Yes!”  Then he smiles!  

So I get off the skiff and with great trepidation, take my bathing suit off leaving my hat and sun glasses on and walk to the pool that has a bar.  It is crowded with couples.  Remember that I am at a Couples Resort.  I quickly find a lounge chair and settle in with my book.  Thank goodness for a broad beam hat, sunglasses and a large book.

So here I am checking off something really big for me!  I begin to realize that JMF is the only man that I have been with my entire life.  What’s out there?  I begin to use my wiles and investigate.  Somehow my book fell.  I had to pick it up.  Somehow my hat blew off.  I had to retrieve it.  Oh the things that I learned on that day.  

I’ve always heard the term, “hung like a horse.”  I had only my imagination to know what that meant.  Now I know.  Now I had the image.  Yes indeed, that young man was hung like a horse.  

Letting Go Is The Theme From My Journal

“Letting go is the theme for this trip.  Something to begin and continue when I return. I hope I can hold this Powerful thought.  Letting go of JMF yet staying connected that will lead to a successful divorce.  Recognize my fears.  Let it unfold. I’m sitting on the balcony of our condo in Ocho Rios looking out on the bay.  Our condo sits on the mountain and commands a wonderful view of the bay and the Caribbean.  It is breezy this evening.  Our balcony faces the east so there is no direct sun.  There are the normal noises of a town; sirens, cars and yet unique noises; a rooster crowing and a dog barking. ”

Last Journal Entry

“Do you have the patience to wait till your mud settles and the water is clear?   Can you remain unmoving till the right action arises by itself.”  Lao-Tzu

Yes I can!

What are your thoughts?

Have you ever found yourself in a place that you had to hit the pause button?  Was it hard?  How did you manage it?  Did you allow your mud to settle?

Have you checked some items off your list?  How did it feel?  What was it? I am looking forward to all of your comments.