I Had The Time of My Life!

May 12 marks three years since Mike left this world. It seems like it has been forever. 

I’ve been thinking about this day for a few weeks now and I kept coming back to the songs that give me comfort and make me smile; bring me joy! I’ve listened to them a lot over the past few weeks wondering if I should write something. If yes, then what on earth would I write. I wrote some Last Thoughts for 2018 on January 1. What else do I want to say? And then I listened to the song, I’ve Had the Time Of My Life, by Bill Medley and boom! I knew what I was going to write; I knew exactly what I was going to post because: 

I’ve had the time of my life
No, I never felt like this before
Yes I swear it’s the truth
And I owe it all to you!

Click over to that last link.  I can close my eyes and imagine that is Michael and me dancing.  There was that much magic and chemistry.

So I thought I would share photos of us over the years that we were together; 13 years!  Just enough time. For those of you that don’t know, Michael had a massive stroke on August 26, 2004. He had aphasia and apraxia! He was my hero. So 12 of those 13 years I lived with Michael and his stroke because I had a stroke on that day also.

So fasten your seat belts.  Here comes the memories.

Therapy at The Medical University of South Carolina

Michael was approved to be in an experiment through the Medical University of South Carolina.  Click over to read about it.  He was featured in the Post and Courier.

Michael Loved His Grandchildren

Michael Loved My Grandchildren

Michael and Bailey

We decided that we were ready to get another Scottish Terrier.  Michael was adamant that we had to go and meet all the puppies.  He held each one of the puppies and chose Bailey.

Michael Loved Having Fun

Michael and Me!

Cheers to you Michael!  There is no one compares with you!

So I will end with a Beatles song that is poignant for this day, this moment.  I loved you Michael!

There are places I’ll remember
All my life though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With lovers and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all
But of all these friends and lovers
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and things that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
In my life I love you more
In my life I love you more

Finding the Sweet Spot

So the sweet spot for me is remembering! Remembering all that we had! The sweet spot for me is feeling grateful for all that Michael taught me and gave me. What is your sweet spot concerning the loss of love?

Living With A Cutoff!

I spent the past four months chronicling the break up with my oldest son with the intention of posting it on my blog. I titled it “The Unseen Cord That Never Breaks.” It turned out to be five pages.  I read it over and over and thought about posting it and finally decided not to post it. It is ready for my granddaughter.  It’s important to put my story down for her. My intention is to tell my side of the story. But here’s the important part, the part I am choosing to post. It is important to identify how I feel each day.  I don’t want to get stuck in the story and live miserably. I want everyday to be a conscious act of remembering my oldest son with love.  

It’s important to note here that it has been six years since I have seen my oldest or heard his voice.  It was his decision for the cut off at his wife’s insistence.  They are now divorced. I will call her M. I know what he said the reason was but it just doesn’t ring true. Mother’s know these things. At this point though it’s not important.  What is important is to continue to love him from a distance. That cord never breaks. That’s called unconditional love.  

The first time I met her!

Yaya and GDM
The first time I held GDM.  December 2011

I was able to care and love her once a week for the first year.

My last time to see her!

Granddaughter and Yaya
This photo was quickly taken. It is the last time that I saw her in December 2012.

So how do I feel? When I think of my oldest I feel empty, disconnected; sad and sometimes angry. Sad that I am missing out on what is going on in his life; missing out on my only granddaughter’s first years of life.  She turned seven years old this past December.  What does her voice sound like?  What is her favorite color?  Does she play with dolls? Does she like dresses? So many questions that will have to wait for another day; another year?  

I’m angry that my oldest didn’t take up for me! Really? I don’t do angry well. There are times that I just want to throttle him and give him a piece of my mind. That would really help things wouldn’t it?

You may be thinking to yourself, what have you been doing for the past six years? The first year I sent books to my granddaughter via JMF. The inscriptions were so important to me.

Then I received a note in the mail from JMF.  WOW!  This will be another blog about my great disappointment in JMF.  He is a coward.  

So my granddaughter never received Zen Shorts.  It’s waiting for her.

So no more books for my granddaughter. If my oldest wants me to know his address he will give it to me.  I am just trying to honor him and his wish. Sounds crazy but there you are.  

Last summer, 2018, I texted my oldest to ask if he would be willing to meet me.  I asked for professional help with the text to make every attempt for success.

Text Message

No response!  I went to his house, yes I did ask for the address, and I sat on the steps to his house.  The house felt sad.

July 2018
I went and sat on the steps of his house.

So where’s the sweet spot in this mess? The sweet spot is small but terribly important to my well being.  It is to believe that unseen cord never breaks. I choose to intentionally send him love and well wishes each day AND believe that one day we will be reunited.  

So have you ever encountered a cutoff in your family? How did you handle it? How did you reconnect? What’s it like now? I’m looking for stories. It’s a lonely feeling.